How many of you were afraid of going to high school? Not me, I couldn’t wait. You have to understand I was a super awkward junior high kid. I was a big time nerd. I spent a lot of time taking apart and repairing anything I could. I also had a hunger for adventure. I spent my summers building elaborate tree forts and exploring the suburban wilderness. I had a few fellow nerdy friends; Most of the friends were from my church youth group. They all went to different schools. I had a few kids I hung out with at school, but never outside of it. I got picked on a lot at school, and by the time I was in 8th grade I started to believe some of the stuff they said about me. I felt like the least painful way to mask my insecurities was to be mean. I would insult you before you got the chance to insult me. Needless to say, it was hard for me to make friends.

But High school was a second chance. It was my opportunity to start fresh. I desperately wanted to be something different in high school. I wanted to be cool. I wanted people to call me up, and have girl drama, and go to wild parties. I wanted friends. I wanted to be swallowed up into the crowd.

High school did not get off to a great start. On my first day I sat by myself at lunch, in a room full of people who all seemed to be swimming in friends. I would have given anything to be like that. So I began to analyze carefully what was different about me. There were so many things. My clothes, my skin, my hair, my language, my sense of humor; but I could change. I did everything I could to fit in.

My sophomore year was upon me, still with few friends, when I met John. He was a guy in my automotive class. We had some laughs in class and became quick friends. We even hung out after school and worked on his brothers 67 mustang. I was feeling pretty good. I had a friend who was cool and liked hanging out with me. I started hanging out with some of his friends, and wouldn’t you know it, they liked me too.
Soon we hung out all the time, an entourage, and I was part of it.

But there was a problem.
Some of my new friends did things that I never thought I would be a part of. But it was ok. Because they liked me.

It didn’t take much convincing for me start to participating, in fact it didn’t take any at all. I was ready to be part of whatever we were doing. I was becoming someone unfamiliar, but likeable nonetheless.

By the time I reached me senior year I was “popular.” People knew my name. I had a serious GF, plenty of friend related drama. And a bad-boy reputation. It seemed just right. I couldn’t have written it better

But there was a problem.

I was an addict. I let drugs and alcohol become part of my daily life. I treated women poorly to earn their affection. I stole from my friends and family to support my lifestyle. I lied to people who trusted and respected me. I took advantage of any situation that could benefit me. I acted out of anger and violence. I would insult and degrade anyone to tears for my own satisfaction.

But there was a bigger problem
I had no idea.
Because all the people I surrounded myself with were doing the exact same things.

My family tried to intervene, but they could not possibly understand how important these people were to me. They could not know the pain of friendlessness. I could not see what they meant when they would tell me they wanted the old Ryan back. I do not want him back. He was sad and lonely. Eventually my anger with their alleged inability to understand me severed our once close communication.

Senior year came and went and soon it was college time. My lackadaisical attitude got me as far as College of Dupage. I wasn’t worried though, because I had crazy friends who loved to do all the same stuff as me. And we spent all our time together and college was going to be a wild drunken sexual innuendo just like all the movies.

But there was a problem.
My friends got into other schools.

Once again I am alone. My friends are gone. They don’t ever really call. My relationship with my HS GF is all but over. What do I do know?
You ever have to ask yourself that question?
Where does that answer come from?

I had no idea what to do. So I continued what I was doing. I continued partying, lying, stealing, whatever I could to feel like I did in high school. I made a few friends at COD, similar to my last ones. And of course there were a few stragglers like myself. But still I felt alone. It was like my freshman year in the lunchroom. It was full of people, but I was empty. I even tried a change of scenery, and went to a school in Indiana. I only made it one semester before I was kicked out.

There was a problem
There was a major problem

One Sunday morning in January my parents woke me up to go to church with them. This day would change everything. Today I would hear what I needed to hear; I would be asked a question that demanded an answer. The pastor stood at the front of the stage and asked “who are you?”

Who am I?

I had no idea. For the better part of a decade I let my friends rule my life. I made poor decisions that were based on there approval. I did and said things that I never wanted to. I didn’t even know how to make a decision on my own. But that day was different.

I realized that I was depending on the wrong thing. You see this whole series about drugs, family, and friends really is revealing. We all come from different backgrounds and make different decisions. The one thing that we all have in common is that we are people. And whether we are Good people, bad people, mean people, we are still people. And we are imperfect. When you depend on your friends, or your family, or drugs and alcohol, you will always be disappointed because like you, they are imperfect.

I made a decision to depend on God that day. I chose to put my life in the hands of my savior. A God who loved ME, RYAN KENEALY, so much that he sent his only son to earth to die for my imperfection. To prove his love for me. I would not have to suffer the rest of my life chasing after lies because this was something real. this was beyond feeling. This was knowing. I had an answer to who am I? I am god’s child, and he loves me unconditionally.